video games

Lokal Stops: We Can’t Have Nice Things

Kids are dumb, but at least some of them grow up to realize how dumb they were and try to make sense of their past selves. Hey, kids, while you wait to grow up and gain some perspective, why don’t you put some effort into your education and play more video games?

Lena Dunham isn’t paying performers that she “hired” to follow her around on her book tour, because if she paid them, then they would have money, and then they wouldn’t be meandering broke twenty-something artists who know they could achieve something if only they could get a paying job! And besides, Lena’s pretty broke herself. She only got a $3.7 million advance on that book. Reminder: a book advance is money you get before you even write your stupid book. 

It’s National Coffee Day because we never appreciate what we love most unless we have a day designated to it. Go celebrate by doing exactly what you do every single day.

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Lokal Stops: Death of the iPhones

A British journalist wrote about how the New York City subway is different from the London Underground and this made her very uncomfortable. So I guess she won’t be visiting the 1980s New York City themed haunted house. Back in the 80s, criminals rode the subway too, and there was so much graffiti it would be impossible to recognize a subway car even if one stopped right in front of you.

Yes, things that are different are scary.

Also today, the wait was finally over, and Apple finally released iOS 8.0.1. Everyone has been so anxious for this long-awaited update to iOS 8.0, which was released way back last Wednesday. Immediately after updating, iPhones everywhere began dying. Because for a cellular phone, I’m pretty sure death is when it can no longer connect to a cellular network. As thousands of shaking hands clutched onto the remains of their Loved One, Apple sank to its knees, folded its hands, and prayed, Please, please let’s everyone forget this by tomorrow. (For those of you waiting for Apple to resuscitate your phone, take your mind off your woes by reminding yourself of your phone’s superiority.)

Meanwhile, John Oliver continues to remind us of his superiority over the entire human race, and a startup is trying to replace real-life humans with code-based humans. I bet the world is going to be a much different place in ten years.

In conclusion, here is the only review of Destiny you’ll ever have to read.

Lokal Stops: Very American

America, the beautiful. In this country, boner jokes will always be funny. We believe in the sanctity of wasting time. Here, we debate openly and at length on the most pertinent of issues, like whether hot dogs are sandwiches. (Yes they are.)

And as of Monday, we have finally made progress in the fight for equality: corporations will finally be seen as people in the eyes of the law.

Here, amongst the amber waves of grain, you can even find people who consider Fox News a legitimate news source. After all, Fox News knows how to have fun these days: they played a video game, missed the point, and then ripped off the logo. Very American.

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Plus, we are literally the only people in the world who care about American football.

On the bright side, the Google street view cam is taking endearing selfies inside museums.

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(And sometimes, the Google street view camera wears a silver dress.)

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Lokal Stops: Just Trynna to Be Optimistic Here

It turns out that our school librarians were right: books are the greatest weapons. Too bad the novel keeps dying on us. Because of Twitter and stuff.

Whether or not a civilization without novels still needs grammar, FiveThirtyEight found that people who think they’re smart use Oxford Commas. I can’t help but remember how the average American thinks he’s smarter than the average American.

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The average American is also generally optimistic, according to a Gallup survey. And the most optimistic of all is Texas. What does this say about Texas? What does this say about optimism?

Well, it’s surely also alive and well in Canada, where next month, a robot will attempt to hitchhike across the country, from Nova Scotia to British Columbia. HitchBOT can talk, but he can’t move on his own. It’s unclear whether he eventually intends to turn this adventure into a memoir, but he will be tweeting and instagramming, so that’s memoir-ish.

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We can’t all roll through Canada, fueled by the kindness of strangers’ cigarette lighters, but most of us can properly marvel at the beauty of our planet thanks to the kindness of Google. And we can all confirm that reality is a lie thanks to OK Go. Also a lie: soccer. If you’re new to the whole sports thing and that comes as a shock to you, take comfort in the fact that at least some of these guys are being punished.

Though soccer season abstinence might seem unduly cruel, no one had to tell Voldemort not to have sex. Someone probably should tell video game developers that women do more than sex. Or maybe just quietly think about it, since when you constructively talk about gender politics, you get death threats.

But let’s end today’s post remembering that good things and good people still exist in the world. All is not lost.

Lokal Stops: The Future is Now

It all happened so fast, and we didn’t even see it coming. We have reached a new era and it is the future. We present to you, proof:

There are a lot of “what if” scenarios littered throughout history–key moments in our timeline that have very distinctly led up to our present day. If these key moments had gone even just a little bit differently, history could have been entirely rewritten. For example, what if Hitler won the war? What if we had never launched into Space? And, perhaps most importantly, what if Sega had won the console wars? Food for thought.

Lokal Stops: Heads Will Roll

“Terror is only justice,” says 18th century France. And 21st century America agrees: some are calling for the return of the National Razor, La Guillotine. When you take a quick look back at the history of the American death sentence, it’s not a terrible idea. Most notably, it’s a great cure for a headache.

In other vaguely referential news, police in Maryland are going to live-tweet an upcoming prostitution sting, marking (potential) sinners for life–with the letter D, I guess, for Degenerate? Whatever the Letter, the message is clear: don’t do anything remotely sinful, unless you want to be branded by your crime for life. This is clearly a good idea.

If you don’t want your life to end in crime, perhaps you’d consider finding a mentor. Note: mentors only available to white males, women and minorities need not apply. Women’s heads, by the way, aren’t controlled by their periods, it turns out! Listen, we all just have emotions sometimes and that’s okay.

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Though women are not slaves to their periods, we are all slaves to our smartphones.

The lesson is this: in the end, our differences don’t much matter. We begin with nothing, we end with nothing. Which is why it was so easy for Minecraft creator Notch to write the coded story of our lives in less than 48 hours. Whether you play or not, you’re stuck with the non-code of your real life, so I guess what I’m trying to say is… have a great weekend!