Lokal Stops: Just Trynna to Be Optimistic Here

It turns out that our school librarians were right: books are the greatest weapons. Too bad the novel keeps dying on us. Because of Twitter and stuff.

Whether or not a civilization without novels still needs grammar, FiveThirtyEight found that people who think they’re smart use Oxford Commas. I can’t help but remember how the average American thinks he’s smarter than the average American.


The average American is also generally optimistic, according to a Gallup survey. And the most optimistic of all is Texas. What does this say about Texas? What does this say about optimism?

Well, it’s surely also alive and well in Canada, where next month, a robot will attempt to hitchhike across the country, from Nova Scotia to British Columbia. HitchBOT can talk, but he can’t move on his own. It’s unclear whether he eventually intends to turn this adventure into a memoir, but he will be tweeting and instagramming, so that’s memoir-ish.


We can’t all roll through Canada, fueled by the kindness of strangers’ cigarette lighters, but most of us can properly marvel at the beauty of our planet thanks to the kindness of Google. And we can all confirm that reality is a lie thanks to OK Go. Also a lie: soccer. If you’re new to the whole sports thing and that comes as a shock to you, take comfort in the fact that at least some of these guys are being punished.

Though soccer season abstinence might seem unduly cruel, no one had to tell Voldemort not to have sex. Someone probably should tell video game developers that women do more than sex. Or maybe just quietly think about it, since when you constructively talk about gender politics, you get death threats.

But let’s end today’s post remembering that good things and good people still exist in the world. All is not lost.


Lokal Stops: Chaos Reigns

Some days, you just have to accept chaos. Below is chaos.

Climate change is how we die, claims government propaganda on a surprisingly well-designed website.

Also, vampires are real.

Here’s some sex data, just for fun:


Turns out that fountains of youth walk amongst us, and they are just young people. Hate the youths however much you want, but: scientists put blood from young mice into old mice and that “rejuvenated their muscles and brains.”

By the way, if you’ve ever wondered why women are so hysterical, it’s because their wombs are living beasts preying on their bodies. At least that’s what Plato told everyone. (Aristotle said that women are just deformed males. It’s unclear who is correct.)

This game makes you dip into its code to get by.


It kinda feels like wedding season, so perhaps you’ll find value in this wikiHow:


And let’s end with

Lokal Stops: We’re Not Animals!

Once upon a time, there was a boy. He was 6 or 7, sitting at his dinner table, looking at the plate of salad that had been set in front of him. This child, in all his experiential wisdom, thought to himself that this plate of leaves “seemed a little primitive – like something an animal would do.” Today, the boy is 25 years old, and has created a “beige beverage” called Soylent to replace the basic, bestial acts of cooking and eating. The man says, “People have this belief that just because something is natural it’s good. The natural state of man is ignorant, starving, and cold. We have technology that makes our lives better. It doesn’t make sense that you would keep technology out of this very important part of life.”

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Also, he recently bought an old Ford pickup with “Bitcoin” money because “Ferraris are wasteful” which he might be right about because Ford F250s from 20 years ago have a gas mileage of up to 14mpg in the city and a brand new Ferrari only gets 11mpg. It’s a shame we live in a world where the only available cars are expensive, wasteful, and fuel inefficient.

Anyways, because everything this guy does makes a ton of sense, we really got to thinking: what other human acts are “primitive” and animalistic? What other acts of savagery do we commit every single day? Here goes:

1. A photographer is using his skills to take professional photos of doggies at a kill shelter to increase chances that the pups are adopted. Just because it’s nice to save helpless and adorable animals doesn’t mean we should.


2. Sex. Fluid-y and loud and talk about bestial. 45% of men finish within 2 minutes according to science, probably in an effort to keep the having of sex to a minimum. They are the true anti-savagery heroes.

3. Neil de Grasse Tyson was all like, forgiving and compassionate about Donald Sterling:

“We’re human, we make mistakes, and I might be more forgiving than others. But life is very complex. And to indict the rest of someone’s life on one thing they say — give them a chance to redeem themselves.”

4. Also, let’s talk about weed. Grows from the earth, has leaves, less harmful than alcohol, maybe reduces chances of getting cancer… fuck that. Do drugs made in a lab instead. More civilized for sure.

5. Turns out not everything is available in the App Store. Come on, isn’t this supposed to be the future? What year even is this?

Clearly, the world is a savage place. So why stop at engineering food to rise above the savagery? Why not use the technology we have to improve our very genetic code?

No one will mistake us for animals when there’s fire shooting out of our palms.

Or we can apply our newfound knowledge of the physics of Spider-Man’s webs to maybe get in on that web-slinging action. Now, you might be thinking that shooting spiderwebs out of our palms would make us more like, say, spiders, but you would be wrong – because we’d be using technology to get the webs, while spiders are naturally born with webs. And, as we have learned, technology is what separates man from beast.

Don’t you let anyone get you down by telling you that you have more similarities with the natural world than you can begin to imagine, you hear?

Yet another horrifying fact further delegitimizes anything Bill O’Reilly says: in blaming black teen pregnancy on Beyoncé, O’Reilly has revealed that he’s never even listened to Beyoncé’s music before.

Beasts, humans, Bill O-Reilly—even in chaos, things have a way of working themselves out.

Lokal Stops: Sins Are Fun

Today is an important day. It is the day after Easter, which means… Easter candy is on sale. Jesus died for our sins, so it’s on us to make his sacrifice count! Sin away, my friends, sin away. We recommend Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs. Gluttony is fun. So is drinking: in fact, it’s so fun, that science has found a way to powder it. The Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau (TTB) has approved Palcohol, so soon, you’ll be able to sneak alcohol into anywhere. You will be able to pour the stuff into your soda at the movies, you’ll be able to add it to your wine at family dinners, you’ll be able to snort alcohol at your desk. The world will be your drunk oyster. Also up there – if not topping – the fun scale is sex: sure, blue states watch more porn than red states, but turns out Kansas watches the most porn in all the land. ingraham_porn Related: More than half of Americans are “not too confident” or even “not at all confident” that “the universe began 13.8 billion years ago with a big bang.” Cool. But: the number of Americans who report no religious affiliation has doubled since 1990. The MIT Technology Review blames the Internet. Today, Meb Keflezighi won the Boston Marathon – the first American to do so since 1982. Since 1991, Time points out, there have been 19 Kenyan winners. So, topically, have a listen to this Radiolab short from last November, “Cut and Run,” which attempts to figure out the science of why Kenyans dominate when it comes to long distance running. The “cut” part of the episode title refers to circumcision, if that piques your interest.