smartphones

Lokal Stops: Old News For Humans Who Are Bad News for Earth

Let’s start off easy with some old news: five days ago, Pornhub launched their own record label, Pornhub Records. More recently, Jeopardy! told women what they want, but women really don’t want those things. Really.

But you know when you know that things are bad, but you don’t really know how bad?

Louisiana doesn’t look like what you think it looks like. We like to imagine it as a boot – that state itself likes to imagine as a boot – but its coastline has been disappearing for quite a while. Expectations versus reality:

Louisiana before_after

Also, since 1970, humans have wiped out 52% of the earth’s wildlife. I don’t want to point any fingers here, but let’s just say that if the entire world lived its every day like Americans, we would need 3.9 planets.

Fuck it, conservation is hard. Let’s just make our animals out of bananas.

Or let’s move to Mars. Every species deserves a second chance, right?

Here’s some (less apocalyptic) new news to tack onto your old Hachette-Amazon dispute news: “All Hachette authors are equal, but some are more equal than others.” Such as Paul Ryan, who was sad his book (published by a Hachette imprint) was difficult to find on Amazon, so Amazon was like “okay we’ll take care of it” and now you can buy Paul Ryan’s book, no problem! So, what can you do about it? Don’t buy another book from Amazon ever again! Google “local bookstores” instead.

Now for some introspection. Is your smartphone too big? Did you buy it of your own volition after having played around with it in the store and are now complaining that it’s too big? Finally, a solution: a small phone that actually does phone stuff which comes with your big phone that does other stuff. When considering making a purchase, think about what kind of person you want to be. Then make your decision.

Okay, maybe not everything is terrible. Sometimes humans can redeem themselves. Like when they rewrite pop songs as Shakespearean sonnets, or sneak Bob Dylan into science reports.

Of course, then they go ahead and green-light a Tetris movie.

I just don’t know what to think about humanity anymore.

Lokal Stops: Heads Will Roll

“Terror is only justice,” says 18th century France. And 21st century America agrees: some are calling for the return of the National Razor, La Guillotine. When you take a quick look back at the history of the American death sentence, it’s not a terrible idea. Most notably, it’s a great cure for a headache.

In other vaguely referential news, police in Maryland are going to live-tweet an upcoming prostitution sting, marking (potential) sinners for life–with the letter D, I guess, for Degenerate? Whatever the Letter, the message is clear: don’t do anything remotely sinful, unless you want to be branded by your crime for life. This is clearly a good idea.

If you don’t want your life to end in crime, perhaps you’d consider finding a mentor. Note: mentors only available to white males, women and minorities need not apply. Women’s heads, by the way, aren’t controlled by their periods, it turns out! Listen, we all just have emotions sometimes and that’s okay.

140502_BB_kanyeBench.jpg.CROP.promovar-mediumlarge

Though women are not slaves to their periods, we are all slaves to our smartphones.

The lesson is this: in the end, our differences don’t much matter. We begin with nothing, we end with nothing. Which is why it was so easy for Minecraft creator Notch to write the coded story of our lives in less than 48 hours. Whether you play or not, you’re stuck with the non-code of your real life, so I guess what I’m trying to say is… have a great weekend!