Lokal Stops: We’re Not Animals!

Once upon a time, there was a boy. He was 6 or 7, sitting at his dinner table, looking at the plate of salad that had been set in front of him. This child, in all his experiential wisdom, thought to himself that this plate of leaves “seemed a little primitive – like something an animal would do.” Today, the boy is 25 years old, and has created a “beige beverage” called Soylent to replace the basic, bestial acts of cooking and eating. The man says, “People have this belief that just because something is natural it’s good. The natural state of man is ignorant, starving, and cold. We have technology that makes our lives better. It doesn’t make sense that you would keep technology out of this very important part of life.”

Screen shot 2014-04-29 at 10.49.07 AM

Also, he recently bought an old Ford pickup with “Bitcoin” money because “Ferraris are wasteful” which he might be right about because Ford F250s from 20 years ago have a gas mileage of up to 14mpg in the city and a brand new Ferrari only gets 11mpg. It’s a shame we live in a world where the only available cars are expensive, wasteful, and fuel inefficient.

Anyways, because everything this guy does makes a ton of sense, we really got to thinking: what other human acts are “primitive” and animalistic? What other acts of savagery do we commit every single day? Here goes:

1. A photographer is using his skills to take professional photos of doggies at a kill shelter to increase chances that the pups are adopted. Just because it’s nice to save helpless and adorable animals doesn’t mean we should.


2. Sex. Fluid-y and loud and talk about bestial. 45% of men finish within 2 minutes according to science, probably in an effort to keep the having of sex to a minimum. They are the true anti-savagery heroes.

3. Neil de Grasse Tyson was all like, forgiving and compassionate about Donald Sterling:

“We’re human, we make mistakes, and I might be more forgiving than others. But life is very complex. And to indict the rest of someone’s life on one thing they say — give them a chance to redeem themselves.”

4. Also, let’s talk about weed. Grows from the earth, has leaves, less harmful than alcohol, maybe reduces chances of getting cancer… fuck that. Do drugs made in a lab instead. More civilized for sure.

5. Turns out not everything is available in the App Store. Come on, isn’t this supposed to be the future? What year even is this?

Clearly, the world is a savage place. So why stop at engineering food to rise above the savagery? Why not use the technology we have to improve our very genetic code?

No one will mistake us for animals when there’s fire shooting out of our palms.

Or we can apply our newfound knowledge of the physics of Spider-Man’s webs to maybe get in on that web-slinging action. Now, you might be thinking that shooting spiderwebs out of our palms would make us more like, say, spiders, but you would be wrong – because we’d be using technology to get the webs, while spiders are naturally born with webs. And, as we have learned, technology is what separates man from beast.

Don’t you let anyone get you down by telling you that you have more similarities with the natural world than you can begin to imagine, you hear?

Yet another horrifying fact further delegitimizes anything Bill O’Reilly says: in blaming black teen pregnancy on Beyoncé, O’Reilly has revealed that he’s never even listened to Beyoncé’s music before.

Beasts, humans, Bill O-Reilly—even in chaos, things have a way of working themselves out.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s