Lokal Stops: War and (Lego) Piece(s)

Kids these days can prepare for their wedding and baby registries by beta testing Target’s college registry. Would I love to go back to college? Yes. Would I love to go back to the summer before college and add a bunch of shit to a college registry? Absolutely.

Would I love to go back to high school? Nope. But there are some people out there who probably would love to go back: there is now science proving that cool kids end up being shitty at life. If you’re a loser since high school and have had a real hard time and are looking to make some cash, a scientist is offering $10,000 to anyone who can prove that climate change is a hoax. Or you can do something with your life and do great literature via Lego, “as Homer originally intended.”

In other news, James Franco might cause a nuclear war. This means it’s prime time for us to apply math that can prove that something exists without visual evidence. Prove the nukes exist, get rid of the nukes, and we can all go back to tolerating each other.

Journalists continue to bring us the news that matters: 35% of people in a survey admitted to binge-watching Breaking Bad. Technology will soon be able to know exactly how you feel while watching TV by reading your goosebumps.

If that last one feels a bit like science fiction, there’s plenty more where that came from. We are now living in a time when scientists have found a mysterious galactic glow that might explain dark matter, and the paralyzed can move with their thoughts.

Finally, let’s wind down with an exercise in meditation.


Lokal Stops: No Explanation

For some reason, people don’t like it when other people explain things to them.

So let’s just do some pros and cons today:

Taco Bell and its new “fast-casual” Mexican chain
pros: boozy milkshakes
cons: it’s called US Taco

pros: boozy milkshakes
cons: the “I want to tell you one more thing I know about the Negro” guy lives here

Silicon Valley
pros: the revenge of the nerds!
cons: it’s horrible

The Internet
pros: there’s nothing it can’t do
cons: it does stuff to our feelings

pros: it brings presidents and robots together
cons: nothing, science is awesome


Aside from pros and cons, here are some things you should know: book covers are giving us the wrong idea about Lolita; scientific journals aren’t really trying very hard; there’s a bitcoin debit card now; and Andy Warhol made some computer art.

I would explain why any of this is relevant, but you probably don’t want me to.

Lokal Stops: The Limit Does Not Exist

All good things must come to being mistakes: the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau says they messed up and approved the powdered alcohol by accident. Don’t let the news cancel your fun, though: just cook up your own powdered amusements. The sky is the limit!

In other news, the sky is no longer the limit. In fact, the sky has not been the limit for quite some time. In fact, the limit does not existWe’ve been to the moon, pretty much assume there’s life on other planets, and soon we’ll be able to see aliens from the comfort of our own solar system.

These are all just baby steps… though giant, leaping baby steps, sure. The guy in charge at NASA says that if we want humanity to survive indefinitely, we’ll have to start colonizing other planets. NASA’s already working on designs for a new spacesuit for Mars. As we get closer to Mars, NASA will have to consider how to advertise space this time around. (Disney probably doesn’t have to be involved.) While we’re at it, we should probably also come up with some galactic laws.

Some cynics out there might be able to think of a reason or two that humanity might just want to stick to the one planet.

To those cynics, I say: things here on Earth could be a lot worse, so let’s try to chin up and look on the bright side. For example: on the bright side, a huge asteroid wiped out all of the creatures that would’ve kept us in the food chain. (On a murkier side, we aren’t as safe from asteroids as we like to believe–but at least if we’re ever struck, there’s a possibility that we’ll be remembered.)

Murky with a chance of sun: some poor schlep sold what might be Shakespeare’s annotated dictionary on eBay.

Also probably feeling pretty schleppy today is the NYPD, whose social media team asked people to tweet their photos with officers, tagged #myNYPD. You probably don’t need a link, you probably don’t need sample tweets of what happened next, but here you go anyway:


While the NYPD is treated to its daily ration of criticism/ridicule, James Franco once again enjoys some hearty portions of art-world-ego, while his peers smile and nod at him uncomfortably. For some discomfort outside of the art world, look no further than Game of Thrones’s accidental rapist.

If any of today’s news is making you anxious, you might want to dip into some of Earth’s natural resources for some peace of mind. Or just throw up your hands and let someone else take the wheel.

Lokal Stops: After Hours Edition

It’s Friday night, and happy Friday, but one day (one day soon) it will be Monday again. And when this day comes, there is something you need to do: stop with the sad desk lunches. This should be easier than ever now that you can strap on a pair of cyborg eyes, which means you no longer have to exhaust yourself trying to emotionally relate to your coworkers. So get out of your chair, secure a set of artificially empathetic eyes over your glazed expression, and socialize like it’s 2014!


Or you can just stay in your chair and read about how people socialized in 1964.

To make life a bit more enjoyable in the current day, this lone visionary is trying to produce a documentary that will make Disney fun for the people who actually pay for the tickets, instead of the moochers who just tag along and make you wait in line for two hours for a picture with some miserable guy in a Mickey costume.

Similarly, entrepreneurs in Silicon Valley are finding new ways to program their way into our hearts.

We’re all just trying to make the world a better place to live, aren’t we?

Finally, remember: torturers are people, too. And sometimes people make mistakes. Live and let live. Good night and good luck. I’ll let Gabriel García Márquez see you out.

Do you think the novel can do certain things that journalism can’t?
Nothing. I don’t think there is any difference. The sources are the same, the material is the same, the resources and the language are the same.
from the Paris Review, the Art of Fiction No. 69

Lokal Stops: Death is Imminent, But at Least We Have Drugs

Good news, everyone: gender is just a construct! Don’t let that get your hopes up, though. Women are still inferior abstract thinkers. You win some, you lose some. Today, victory means a female penis, and sometimes that is the best you can hope for in life.

Mixed news: our past is knocking, and I’m not sure I want to open the door.

Speaking of things that might be better left alone, people now have one more reason to bemoan the tampering of the natural order of the world. Robots are becoming more human and humans might one day become more robotic. These are all just exciting ideas about what soft robotics can do, but that doesn’t mean robots aren’t already reaching miraculous heights. For example, some robots can do the limbo now:

Sometimes technology can really make you go, “huh.”

And sometimes technology can get you drugs. Finally, a search engine that yields the results you want to see when you type in “how to get weed.” I guess this is goodbye, Yahoo Answers.

By the way, kids these days. Doing drugs, signing up for Obamacare… The prez announced today that of the 8 million people that have signed up, 35 percent are under the age of 35. The New York Times says that’s a good percentage.

But Jesus didn’t have health insurance, and yet he still rose from the dead, several hundred years ago this weekend. Celebrate by infusing Peeps into your vodka. Americans though have a tendency to die for good: here’s a beautiful data visualization of how we die. But at least perhaps we don’t die alone: scientists have found Earth’s twin or cousin or something! She is 500 light years away, is only 10% fatter than Earth, and her “orbit lies within the ‘Goldilocks zone’ of its star, Kepler 186 — not too hot, not too cold, where temperatures could allow for liquid water to flow at the surface, making it potentially hospitable for life.”

I guess we’ll have to gauge whether we’re actually related by how excited she is for the next season of Orange is the New Black.