climate change

Lokal Stops: Old News For Humans Who Are Bad News for Earth

Let’s start off easy with some old news: five days ago, Pornhub launched their own record label, Pornhub Records. More recently, Jeopardy! told women what they want, but women really don’t want those things. Really.

But you know when you know that things are bad, but you don’t really know how bad?

Louisiana doesn’t look like what you think it looks like. We like to imagine it as a boot – that state itself likes to imagine as a boot – but its coastline has been disappearing for quite a while. Expectations versus reality:

Louisiana before_after

Also, since 1970, humans have wiped out 52% of the earth’s wildlife. I don’t want to point any fingers here, but let’s just say that if the entire world lived its every day like Americans, we would need 3.9 planets.

Fuck it, conservation is hard. Let’s just make our animals out of bananas.

Or let’s move to Mars. Every species deserves a second chance, right?

Here’s some (less apocalyptic) new news to tack onto your old Hachette-Amazon dispute news: “All Hachette authors are equal, but some are more equal than others.” Such as Paul Ryan, who was sad his book (published by a Hachette imprint) was difficult to find on Amazon, so Amazon was like “okay we’ll take care of it” and now you can buy Paul Ryan’s book, no problem! So, what can you do about it? Don’t buy another book from Amazon ever again! Google “local bookstores” instead.

Now for some introspection. Is your smartphone too big? Did you buy it of your own volition after having played around with it in the store and are now complaining that it’s too big? Finally, a solution: a small phone that actually does phone stuff which comes with your big phone that does other stuff. When considering making a purchase, think about what kind of person you want to be. Then make your decision.

Okay, maybe not everything is terrible. Sometimes humans can redeem themselves. Like when they rewrite pop songs as Shakespearean sonnets, or sneak Bob Dylan into science reports.

Of course, then they go ahead and green-light a Tetris movie.

I just don’t know what to think about humanity anymore.

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Lokal Stops: War and (Lego) Piece(s)

Kids these days can prepare for their wedding and baby registries by beta testing Target’s college registry. Would I love to go back to college? Yes. Would I love to go back to the summer before college and add a bunch of shit to a college registry? Absolutely.

Would I love to go back to high school? Nope. But there are some people out there who probably would love to go back: there is now science proving that cool kids end up being shitty at life. If you’re a loser since high school and have had a real hard time and are looking to make some cash, a scientist is offering $10,000 to anyone who can prove that climate change is a hoax. Or you can do something with your life and do great literature via Lego, “as Homer originally intended.”

In other news, James Franco might cause a nuclear war. This means it’s prime time for us to apply math that can prove that something exists without visual evidence. Prove the nukes exist, get rid of the nukes, and we can all go back to tolerating each other.

Journalists continue to bring us the news that matters: 35% of people in a survey admitted to binge-watching Breaking Bad. Technology will soon be able to know exactly how you feel while watching TV by reading your goosebumps.

If that last one feels a bit like science fiction, there’s plenty more where that came from. We are now living in a time when scientists have found a mysterious galactic glow that might explain dark matter, and the paralyzed can move with their thoughts.

Finally, let’s wind down with an exercise in meditation.

Lokal Stops: Chaos Reigns

Some days, you just have to accept chaos. Below is chaos.

Climate change is how we die, claims government propaganda on a surprisingly well-designed website.

Also, vampires are real.

Here’s some sex data, just for fun:

time-1

Turns out that fountains of youth walk amongst us, and they are just young people. Hate the youths however much you want, but: scientists put blood from young mice into old mice and that “rejuvenated their muscles and brains.”

By the way, if you’ve ever wondered why women are so hysterical, it’s because their wombs are living beasts preying on their bodies. At least that’s what Plato told everyone. (Aristotle said that women are just deformed males. It’s unclear who is correct.)

This game makes you dip into its code to get by.

FYI:

It kinda feels like wedding season, so perhaps you’ll find value in this wikiHow:

wedding3

And let’s end with poop.bike.