books

Lokal Stops: Old News For Humans Who Are Bad News for Earth

Let’s start off easy with some old news: five days ago, Pornhub launched their own record label, Pornhub Records. More recently, Jeopardy! told women what they want, but women really don’t want those things. Really.

But you know when you know that things are bad, but you don’t really know how bad?

Louisiana doesn’t look like what you think it looks like. We like to imagine it as a boot – that state itself likes to imagine as a boot – but its coastline has been disappearing for quite a while. Expectations versus reality:

Louisiana before_after

Also, since 1970, humans have wiped out 52% of the earth’s wildlife. I don’t want to point any fingers here, but let’s just say that if the entire world lived its every day like Americans, we would need 3.9 planets.

Fuck it, conservation is hard. Let’s just make our animals out of bananas.

Or let’s move to Mars. Every species deserves a second chance, right?

Here’s some (less apocalyptic) new news to tack onto your old Hachette-Amazon dispute news: “All Hachette authors are equal, but some are more equal than others.” Such as Paul Ryan, who was sad his book (published by a Hachette imprint) was difficult to find on Amazon, so Amazon was like “okay we’ll take care of it” and now you can buy Paul Ryan’s book, no problem! So, what can you do about it? Don’t buy another book from Amazon ever again! Google “local bookstores” instead.

Now for some introspection. Is your smartphone too big? Did you buy it of your own volition after having played around with it in the store and are now complaining that it’s too big? Finally, a solution: a small phone that actually does phone stuff which comes with your big phone that does other stuff. When considering making a purchase, think about what kind of person you want to be. Then make your decision.

Okay, maybe not everything is terrible. Sometimes humans can redeem themselves. Like when they rewrite pop songs as Shakespearean sonnets, or sneak Bob Dylan into science reports.

Of course, then they go ahead and green-light a Tetris movie.

I just don’t know what to think about humanity anymore.

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Lokal Stops: No Explanation

For some reason, people don’t like it when other people explain things to them.

 
So let’s just do some pros and cons today:

Taco Bell and its new “fast-casual” Mexican chain
pros: boozy milkshakes
cons: it’s called US Taco

America
pros: boozy milkshakes
cons: the “I want to tell you one more thing I know about the Negro” guy lives here

Silicon Valley
pros: the revenge of the nerds!
cons: it’s horrible

The Internet
pros: there’s nothing it can’t do
cons: it does stuff to our feelings

Science
pros: it brings presidents and robots together
cons: nothing, science is awesome

President_Obama_plays_soccer_with_a_Japanese_robot___The_Verge

Aside from pros and cons, here are some things you should know: book covers are giving us the wrong idea about Lolita; scientific journals aren’t really trying very hard; there’s a bitcoin debit card now; and Andy Warhol made some computer art.

I would explain why any of this is relevant, but you probably don’t want me to.